Working through my avoidant nature...
What is it about when the kids are out of the house - they've gone back to in person learning - I become completely avoidant of the things I need to get done? This is a tendency of mine, to avoid things. Out sight, out of mind right? HA! Never out of mind...that's the problem. Am I avoiding things today because I finally have hours of uninterrupted time to myself again after a month of everyone stuck at home where I'm always at the beck and call of two rascals and I want to savor this moment? One would think this would be the best situation to buckle down and focus...but no, not today! I found myself zoning off staring at nothing for ridiculous amounts of time not knowing where to start. I did get in a workout...something I usually squeeze in after kids are done with school but I smashed that out of the way first thing and then I shut down and spiraled.
I think I get overwhelmed with all the the dreadful shoulds, "I should be doing xyz"... and then I become paralyzed into doing nothing....well nothing productive at least. I did go down a youtube tutorials rabbit hole, picked lint off a sweater, went through multiple old purses frantically searching for any random chapstick (success btw...my lips are so so dry and didn't want to leave the house to by lip chap), braided and unbraided my hair (it's a rainy day and now my hair has never be bigger or fluffier), tinkered on the piano, put away the grocery delivery (finally something productive!!), and then just found myself fidgeting and picking at my cuticles - which is why I am now writing this - forcing myself to just start typing to keep my hands busy. Anyone else identify with any of this? No? Just me? I can't even listen to a podcast right now because I just can't pay attention - cue thinking I have ADHD and resisting the urge to google it.
I'm trying to figure out if my mind and body are in need of something I am not giving it. Maybe I need a rest day to do absolutely nothing...but that can be a problem when I can't sit still and do nothing! What is in the air? - Other than a global pandemic and what should be a celebrated transfer of power with the inauguration this week, but instead is full of trepidation due to the unsettling divide in our country...but outside all that - I am not necessarily feeling anxious or stressed... just feeling avoidant. What am I avoiding? Well I think I know the answer to this, I am avoiding a lot of things right now - big things, and little things.
How does one deal with being avoidant?! I know avoiding things can trigger anxiety and overwhelming thoughts but for now I will acknowledge that this is where I am at today, and I am choosing to be okay with it. I'm telling myself, "Everyone and everything will be just fine if I have an unproductive day. I'm not failing at my life" - and then repeat this a few times until I know this to be true. I know I will eventually accomplish my pressing to dos. Taking the time to write this, to write down what I have done today makes me realize that no, I didn't get any of my work done today, but I did do things that bring me joy and it has actually been quite a lovely day. Maybe just the day I needed to have - everything else can wait until tomorrow.